To: The First Person Who Broke My Heart

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It’s me again.

I know I keep popping back up like it’s not over… I’m sorry about that. Truly.

Because I don’t want to hurt you any more than I already have. The problem is, I don’t know what hurt you.

I know your favorite numbers are 3, 5, and 8. And I know corn makes you gag even though your favorite color is yellow.

I know you don’t brush your teeth in the shower and that acoustic pop rock is your jam.

I know the names of all your pets.

I know that cookie dough ice cream is your go-to after a rough week.

Your car has a funny, yet accurate name.

I know you think you were born in the way wrong decade.

You love pretty sundresses, but hardly ever actually wear them cuz you work a lot and your style hasn’t changed since high school.

Fall is your favorite season.

I know you have a country voice and that you can’t stand it when people talk around their teeth.

I could go on.

I know a lot.

But I don’t know what hurt you.

I know there were misunderstandings. I know that words I said out of concern for something I wanted to protect were taken the wrong way.

I know we are different.

I also know that we are similar.

But I don’t know what hurt you.

What did I say that hurt you so badly?

Because I never want to say it again.

What did I imply that wrecked your heart?

Because I never want to presume it for the rest of my life.

But I know you don’t believe in second chances anymore.

One was all I got.

And I ruined it without even knowing that I was.

I watched as other people got their second chance, but mine is never coming.

And so I’m forced to wonder what I did that hurt you so badly.

So badly that you don’t want to help me fix it.

I don’t know what hurt you.

But I know what hurt me.

We used to talk about heartbreak a lot.

About yours mostly because my heart had maybe one scratch.

We talked about how the people you dated changed you. About how friends you chose a thousand times over didn’t choose you back.

And somewhere in my ridiculously arrogant, young mind I thought I could prove you wrong about people. I thought I could be the person who refused to give up on you and who would show you that sometimes people stay.

Never once did I imagine that it would be you who proved me wrong.

And I hate that you have to be that person for me. I wish that it could have been someone else. Someone a little less loveable. Someone a little less awesome. But it has to be you because that’s the only way to learn this lesson.

People leave.

No matter how much you love them, no matter how hard you’d fight for them, no matter how loyal you are, people leave.

And now that I know what you know, I understand you so much better.

You were right all along.

People suck.

I lost so much more than you when you left.

I lost my mind. I lost my heart. I lost everything good and hopeful that was left in me.

I lost two people that day.

But I continued to try and prove you wrong.

I never stopped snapping you. I never stopped writing you. I made videos. So many videos. I just never sent them.

I prayed for you until I couldn’t pray anymore.

And I never stopped falling apart.

Bursting into tears in the middle of the day, screaming in my car, getting rug burn on my face from hours spent dry heaving on the floor. Chewing every finger bloody and punching everything I could find, and learning how to swear because I had to.

I had to swear because no other words came close to releasing how I felt.

Everything I believed about the world, about myself, about God, about people, about friendship, about loyalty… it all vanished. And I’ve had to try and build new beliefs to replace them.

It’s been 166 days.

And yet I’m no better than the night of the fight.

Hearts aren’t as fixable as glass I guess.

I’m not the person you knew anymore.

But I’m glad you’ll remember me that way.

The way I used to be.

The heart-wide open girl who wanted to be your friend. The one who wasn’t afraid to invest and love without limit.

I always flashback to the last day we saw each other. My favorite day.

We were walking by the water and you asked me completely jokingly-

“So, if I fell in, would you jump in and rescue me?”

And without hesitation I said-

“Yes! Absolutely!”

And we laughed about it.

I’m sorry I couldn’t rescue you.

A little later I had to leave, but I was so sure I would see you again.

You hugged me pretty hard but I didn’t really squeeze back because I thought I’d see you again soon.

I had no idea it was gonna be the last time. And I always wish I had squeezed harder.

If I thought it would help, I would tell you that the day I sent those messages is my biggest regret. Actually, it’s the only regret I have in life at all.

I’ve done everything I could possibly think of to make it all right again. Because I don’t want to lose you.

But I’m not going to pop back up anymore. Because for whatever reason, losing me made you happy.

This is a pain I didn’t know existed, but if me being in pain is the price to pay for you being happy, and free, and the best you that you can be, then I’m more than happy to pay it.

You’re marked on my life for forever.

Maybe you’re angry with me and maybe you call me crazy Katelyn lol!

But I laugh and smile when I think about you, right before the tears come anyway.

There’s nothing I don’t feel completely, deeply, overwhelmingly.

What seems dramatic to some people is just how I experience the world.

So I’m sorry if it’s all too much.

I’m sorry if anyone actually reads this and isn’t quite fond of some of the things contained therein.

I am honest if I’m nothing else.

And someone once told me that sometimes things just need to be written, even if no one ever sees it. ❤

You showed me so much.

And sometimes I want to be able to wish you away.

I want to be able to boldly say “I wish we had never met!”

But I could never say that because whoever gets out of this life without knowing you really needed to improve upon their bucket list.

I hope that I showed you something too. Even if it’s just one thing. I hope that you’re better for knowing me than if you had never met me.

Goodbye my friend.

I wish you every good thing there is in this life.

From: Katelyn

The Back of the Line

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I am a white belt in Tang Soo Do.

I’ve been a white belt for 2 ½ months.

My initial motivations for wanting to practice martial arts were numerous. Some reasons were physical, some were personal, and some were even a little silly. For instance, I wanted to be one step closer to being a Legend on the CW’s Legends of Tomorrow. Haha!

At the beginning and ending of every class, everyone gets into lines with all of the higher belts in the front line and all of the lower belts in the back. It’s hierarchical so, being the only white belt, my place is tacked onto the very end of the very last line.

And it’s one of my favorite places to be.

I know that might sound a little strange. Like, obviously the goal is to move up to the front of the line little by little year by year as you go up in rank.

But the truth is, I’m truly happy to be in the back of the line. Because for one thing, I can watch and see what everyone else is doing when I get confused!

But, more than that I’m proud.

Proud that I’m in the line at all.

Every time I stand in that place it’s a victory. Especially given that previous versions of myself would have never had the courage to stand there.

And so far, I’ve learned a lot from the back of the line.

I didn’t know how much I needed to be in that place until I got there. The back of the line is not a place for negativity or doubt, unlike so many of the other places I find myself in.

Instead, it’s filled with optimism, respect, inspiration, and room for growth.

Some days, getting to go to class and standing in the back of that line are the only things that make me feel ok again. In the midst of stress and grief and the persistent negativity that tends to invade my mind, I’ve got a place of focus.

So I’ll keep putting on that uniform and tying that white belt around my waist and striving to better myself from the inside out.

Today, right now, I just want to be the best white belt I can be and soak it all in from the back of the line. 😉 ❤